Precious Sleep How I Miss Thee

I have decided that either new moms don't want to sound bitter and grumpy or I am the only new mom having difficulty adjusting to my new demanding schedule. Everyone I spoke to during my pregnancy told me that I would be overwhelmed by love and I would enjoy every moment of being a new mom once my son arrived. No one told me about the overwhelming exhaustion and frustration. I do absolutely love my son. Every time I look at him my heart swells and I am overtaken by the knowledge that this precious being belongs to me. When he takes his tiny hand and wraps it around my finger, a million emotions run through me. I love pressing my cheek to his and feeling his skin against mine while I listen to his soft breathing. Well, this pretty picture I  just painted gets brutally washed away by the high shrills of his cries when I don't get his bottle made in the Godlike time in which my son expects.  Late night feedings are the worst.The routine usually goes like this:

• My slumber is interrupted by the piercing cries of Antonio
• I slide out of bed and grab a pamper, Vaseline, wipes, alcohol, a Q-tip, bib, and burp cloth. I go over to his crib and change his diaper while he fights me kicking and screaming.
• I get a prepared bottle and add the formula powder, shake it up, and then pick up my son.
• He eats then I begin the process of trying to help him burp.
• After an eternity, he burps and the rocking begins. Once he falls asleep we go to his crib where I swaddle him and put him down.
• I return to bed and pray that sleep takes me soon because we will repeat these steps in 1.5-2.5 hours.

What I wouldn't give for one day of uninterrupted sleep. It's not healthy to look over at your husband and want to kick him because he looks peacefully asleep. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would  be envious of someone being able to sleep. I know what you're thinking; sleep when he is sleeping. This is easier said than done. During the day time I try to sleep when he is sleeping; however, every time I attempt this I think of a thousand things I need to do. I pretty much follow the same routine during the day as outlined for the night. Once I put him down my other responsibilities come to mind. By the time I have paid bills, scheduled appointments, ordered things I need for the house or Antonio, pumped, or straightened up from the day's activities, Antonio wakes up ready to start the diaper and feeding process....bye bye sleep.

 I never knew I could be so exhausted. I swear if someone recorded me during the night feedings I would appear zombie like and almost dead. The other night I prepared a bottle by pouring the entire serving of powder for his formula on my hand instead of in the bottle. Don't ask how it happened because I don't completely understand myself. I must say that my strength is renewed daily. Each day I start the day with the hope and optimism that it will be better than the day before. His big bright beautiful eyes help to erase all the frustration from the day before. When he looks at me and make that cooing sound I almost forget how exhausted I am. Well I think I just realized why no one warned me of the exhaustion and frustration...the child's magic set in and made them forget.