Mommyhood

The cub is officially 11 months tomorrow. I have one month to plan this birthday gathering and get the invitations sent. I've been completely slacking. Every weekend I commit to going to the store to get the supplies to make his invitations. Although I'm not planning anything huge or extravagant, I do want really special and cute invitations to go out to everyone. I'm really big on stationery and scrapbooks. I've searched for some already made invitations but I haven't fallen in love with anything yet which is why I committed to making them myself. Problem...I've been way behind on my tasks. If I don't get this done ASAP I will have to use one of the less desirable already made invites. I've scheduled family and friends for next Sunday to come to my house and assemble invites. Maybe this will force me to get the ball rolling.

I can't believe my cub is one month from turning a year old. I still feel like it was only recently that I learned I was pregnant. Every one warns you that the time flies and of course it does. I say this all the time...but there is something different about time and your own child. I never feel like there are enough hours in the day or enough days in the week. Now apparently there aren't enough months in a year. I'm excited for this milestone. These past months have taught me so much and have challenged me in ways I never thought imaginable. I was honestly one of those people that questioned when hearing someone say that motherhood changed them for the better. I don't know why but small parts of me always felt like the raw material had to already be good in order for someone to be a good parent. These past months with my cub have really changed my perspective on a lot of things. Being a mommy shaped me and improved me in ways I never considered.

It's amazing how becoming a parent really exposes your deepest insecurities and force you to address them. It's also forced me to really examine myself and question the things that I have always merely accepted. I've always been an extremely reactionary person (I'm not sure if reactionary is a word but just follow me for a second). When I say reactionary I mean I tend to react and respond impulsively and instinctively with little logic or rationale. I'm the person that swats at objects in the air during a 3D movie. I know the items aren't actually there but I tend to just react. The same is true in conversation. I have no poker face. Something is said and I react and respond. Well for those that have children you know better than most that you just can't react to every little thing. I'm learning to absorb things, analyze, then react. I'm learning patience (a baby with colic will definitely do that for you). I promise patience is a big one for me.

I'm learning to let go and be OK with making mistakes. As the oldest child I have a control issue and believe me people with control issues do not handle making mistakes well. Mostly because we feel had we controlled the situation better the mistake would not have happened. Also, as a control freak we leave no room for error. Well, again as a parent you just can't live like that. I believe in precaution and operating in excellence but I've also found along this journey that some of the "mistakes" I made allowed me to see that my cub is resilient even for a 10 month old. I also saw that as I let go of the reins a little room was created for joys I would have never experienced had I stayed so controlled.

I think the biggest change for me has been learning to lean on and trust others. Again that oldest child thing as well as control freak always made me try to tackle things alone. Even with a great team backing me, I would take on more than I had to and often ignore my team all together. I've learned to say "I need". They say you should never say "can't" and I believe maybe they got it wrong. It's all in the spirit of the "can't". I think it's perfectly fine to realize your limitations and say "this may be beyond what I am capable of". Where I think it goes wrong is ending at that thought. The next thought should be "what are the resources in place to overcome this barrier/limitation/obstacle". For me I've been drawing more strength from God, my family, and friends. This is different for me because I am so accustomed to being the rock. I must say it's a relief.

If I've come this far in 11 months I'm excited to see what the next year holds as I prepare for life with a toddler. Yikes!

Night Terrors

If you've followed my adventures with my cub from the beginning, you may recall a little rant about colic. In the beginning my cub had a short bout of colic. It was quite a journey for us and not one my favorite times as a new parent. One thing I have loved about our cub is his ease with naps and bedtime. My cub is the ideal baby when it comes to sleep. He started sleeping through the night around four months and it has been pure bliss since that time. We have a routine: bath, book, bottle, bed. After we read to him and he has his last bottle we lay him down for the night and that's it. No rocking or crying. That is until this past Tuesday night. We were sleeping peacefully in our room when we heard a piercing cry come over the baby monitor. I went into the cub's room and found him partially sitting up crying hysterically. I tried patting his back to calm him then I tried singing his favorite song. I even picked him up and held him close to me and rocked him. All to no avail. He absolutely could not be comforted. The hysterics intensified so I took him into the room with the Husband so we could examine him and make sure he didn't somehow hurt himself in his crib. We couldn't find anything. All the while my cub cried and I'm talking the kind of crying that makes you want to call an ambulance and go straight to the hospital. I of course started to freak out imagining the worst and maybe even the impossible. I realized that my son's eyes were open but it didn't seem that he was aware of our presence or of where he was. He had this blank disconnected stare yet he had the most gut wrenching cry. I literally went to pieces inside. The Husband took the cub and tried to console him while I sat in the chair in my room wrestling with taking the cub to the emergency room. Each shrill ripped a new chunk from my heart. I don't cry often and I was near tears. I felt so lost, confused, and afraid, mostly afraid. This was NOTHING like colic. Seriously, I'll take night after night of colic over what was happening. There was something different about this incessant crying. I can't really explain it. I tried laying him in the bed with me and we even went to his room to get his favorite blanket. I turned on the "Colors of the Wind" song from Pocahontas. This was the song I tried singing to him early on in the episode and he didn't respond but playing it seemed to do something. He slowly returned to us and stopped crying. His stare was still distant. We put the song on repeat and I rocked him, making sure to keep him close to my heart. He finally looked up at me and then took his tiny finger and traced the contours of mouth. Finally, he was aware and with us. His breathing returned to normal and then suddenly he was my energetic bouncy little boy, smiling and trying to play with us. We were so relieved that we didn't even care that it was now well after 1 a.m. in the morning. Once we were sure he was OK and back to  normal we debated putting him back in his crib. By rule we do not co sleep so this would have been a first. The sweet giggles of our son convinced us that if we did not put him back in his crib this was going to turn into an all night event. It took a while for him to go back to sleep. We were up too of course discussing what happened. Before we fell asleep it was decided....we were taking off the next morning to go to the doctor. The end result is apparently the cub suffers from night terrors. Over the past couple of weeks there were other moments where he awakened from his sleep crying but never like this. The doctor was hesitant to consider night terrors due to the cub's age. Apparently night terrors are more likely to occur after age one. At 10 months it is more common for him to have separation anxiety. The separation anxiety was quickly ruled out due to the fact that the crying does not stop once he is no longer separated from us. Also, the duration of the event. The bad one lasted almost 30 minutes. Lastly, the blank stare or disconnect. I can't really properly phase it right now. All these are classic night terror characteristics. Like colic there is nothing you can do. Essentially we are not to wake him up. We have to comfort him, keep him safe, and wait it out. Oh and this can last up to age 8. The frequency of occurrence varies. He may have several a week or one a month. Last tidbit that I found most interesting...they're hereditary. So after speaking to my mom I learned I used to have night terrors too. They lasted until I went to preschool. Parents have to disclose these kinds of things.

Sour Patch Baby

I often laugh at those silly sour patch kids candy commercials. I mean some of them are downright hilarious to me. My favorite one being the one where the sour patch kid cuts the little girl's hair in her sleep. I'm actually smiling thinking about it. For those that don't know the concept behind the sour patch kids candy, it's a sweet gummy candy coated with sour dust. So the whole saying is first they're sour then they're sweet. Well I happen to be raising a sour patch kid. My little cub can be a little cold sometimes. For instance he now gets a kick out of pushing my face away when I ask for a kissee (spelled how I say it). It brings him so much joy to give me the "stiff arm" as my loving Husband calls it. Sometimes he takes pity on me, the cub, and will give me a kissee after the rejection. This was the first incident in which I noticed the whole sour then sweet affect. I've now seen it in action in many different ways. Like how he will throw a temper tantrum then cuddle up in my arms ever so sweetly and make little cooing sounds. He'll also destroy something then look up at me with his big adorable eyes and the most innocent face.  Well over the weekend I captured some of his behavior on film...

First he's sour...

So my cub, for reasons unknown to us, enjoys destroying his baby wipes. Oh and generally everything goes in his mouth so he enjoys sucking on them as well. We fight all the time about the wipes but I wanted to snap him in action before I told him, "No Antonio. Don't put the wipe in your mouth".

Then he's sweet...

I tried to catch this last weekend but I'm glad I did this weekend because the cub was actually successful. So he has this new thing of trying to take his dirty diaper to the diaper pail after we change him. This time he managed to get it in the pail all by himself. So sweet!

  Oh well back to sour...

All good things must come to an end. He was so proud of himself for getting the diaper into the diaper pail I guess he wanted to shoot for other items. He first tried to put his Elmo DVD case in there but Husband told him it wouldn't fit. Thus he tried another circular item, the Wii driving wheel. Good thinking son but only diapers in the diaper pail. Now I fear I will have to dig into that thing to get the remote. Who knows what he will try to put in there.

Adventures with Antonio

I know I say this like every stage but honestly the 10 month old stage is the absolute best! I have so enjoyed my cub lately. Having a newborn and an infant is a lot of work and if I'm honest in those early days the return on investment is not always great. But now....it's absolutely amazing. Every day is a new adventure. Every day my house is cleaned to be destroyed again and I love it. The weekend before last we took Antonio to the splash park in Roswell. I've been wanting to take him for some time but I was not confident he would enjoy it. The cub hates water in his face and literally acts like he is drowning every time I wash his hair. But he absolutely loved it!!! It was such a joy to watch him play with the water. He was a little unsure of it at first and was hesitant to put his hands in the water but after a few minutes he warmed up to it and even got to the point where the water could splash in his face without him freaking out. It's so strange how much joy it brought me to watch him have fun. I always wondered how other parents sat on the sidelines while their children ran from swing to swing then to the monkey bars. Now I understand.

While the Husband was away on his guy weekend and GT vs. Va Tech trip, the cub and I had a ball playing throughout the house. He is such a fun baby. He loves rolling through the house with his little walker toy. He goes about putting various items on top of the toy then he walks through the house with his treasures. The pictures below captures some of this adventure. The other day the Husband was looking for Pancho's ball and he absolutely couldn't find it. Later on he was playing with the Cub's toy when he found he found the dog's ball in one of the compartments on the toy. Now anytime we can't find something we check all the areas our cub ventures.

I've shared that our cub is quite vocal. When he's not exploring the house, we sing together and he LOVES to sing. No surprise there. He is my son after all. Well his little singing adventure got us kicked out of the main sanctuary the other day. They were taping and of course during the more quiet moments Antonio took pride in filling the silence with his gift of song. We were politely asked to go the special area for nursing mothers and babies. I'm still sorting through my feelings about this. Needless to say my house is filled with joy. Antonio graces us every morning with his  gibberish and his beautiful attempt at singing. He already has a love for music. He loves commercials with music in them. He will stop in his tracks and stare at the TV. Sometimes he even attempts to sing along. The dramatic thespian in me couldn't be more proud.

Single Parenting

The Husband is in D.C. enjoying a guy weekend with one of his close friends. I'm glad he is having a good time but honestly this single parenting experiment has been quite an adventure. It's a little tough not having the Husband around to provide me with little breaks from the cub or to allow me to sleep a few extra minutes in the morning. It's also been a little lonely putting the cub to bed at night. We have a routine: bath, book/story time, bottle, then bed. Originally the Husband and I would bathe our son together then I would sing or read Antonio to sleep while he drank his last bottle. Well, some weeks ago Antonio demanded that the Husband stay for the last part. Since then after Antonio's bath the Husband and I complete the routine together.

This has been a most interesting weekend to have the Husband away. On Thursday evening we noticed a weird rash on Antonio's leg. We went to see his doctor on Friday and they couldn't confirm what was wrong. We haven't introduced anything new to Antonio in a while so I was really at a lost. Saturday after the cub's first nap we noticed new rashes on his legs  and hands. After speaking with my doctor's office I took him to the hospital. Let me tell you handling a 10 month old that loves to crawl/walk around at any given moment is no fun at a hospital. Not to mention trying to handle him while filling out all the proper paperwork.  The entire time we were there I kept wishing I had someone to help out with the cub while I handled everything.

The end result is apparently he has hives. We can't pinpoint the cause. So of course this means I came home and washed everything and wiped down every surface in Antonio's room and play area. Needless to say after I put the cub to bed last night I was dog tired. Like clockwork the sweet giggles of my cub came through the baby monitor promptly at 7:00 AM. Every cell in my body wanted to continue to lay in bed but I lacked a wonderful husband to turn to and say "your turn to get the baby". I'm sure I sound spoiled and I am willing to admit this. I've always believed that it's the small things that count and this weekend has strengthened that belief. Very small things like handing me the Vaseline while I change Antonio's diaper make a world of a difference. Not to mention I seem to always forget to grab his diapers for his diaper caddy. I ran up and down my stairs so much this weekend my legs are actually tired. Of course these trips included my cub on my hip because I had no one to supervise him while I ran back and forth retrieving things I forgot to grab. Spoiled I tell you. Single parents across the world deserve a holiday. Heck several holidays. It's only been two days and not even a full two days and I am exhausted.

Oh and the hives seem to already be improving and Antonio is doing great.