Mommyhood

The cub is officially 11 months tomorrow. I have one month to plan this birthday gathering and get the invitations sent. I've been completely slacking. Every weekend I commit to going to the store to get the supplies to make his invitations. Although I'm not planning anything huge or extravagant, I do want really special and cute invitations to go out to everyone. I'm really big on stationery and scrapbooks. I've searched for some already made invitations but I haven't fallen in love with anything yet which is why I committed to making them myself. Problem...I've been way behind on my tasks. If I don't get this done ASAP I will have to use one of the less desirable already made invites. I've scheduled family and friends for next Sunday to come to my house and assemble invites. Maybe this will force me to get the ball rolling.

I can't believe my cub is one month from turning a year old. I still feel like it was only recently that I learned I was pregnant. Every one warns you that the time flies and of course it does. I say this all the time...but there is something different about time and your own child. I never feel like there are enough hours in the day or enough days in the week. Now apparently there aren't enough months in a year. I'm excited for this milestone. These past months have taught me so much and have challenged me in ways I never thought imaginable. I was honestly one of those people that questioned when hearing someone say that motherhood changed them for the better. I don't know why but small parts of me always felt like the raw material had to already be good in order for someone to be a good parent. These past months with my cub have really changed my perspective on a lot of things. Being a mommy shaped me and improved me in ways I never considered.

It's amazing how becoming a parent really exposes your deepest insecurities and force you to address them. It's also forced me to really examine myself and question the things that I have always merely accepted. I've always been an extremely reactionary person (I'm not sure if reactionary is a word but just follow me for a second). When I say reactionary I mean I tend to react and respond impulsively and instinctively with little logic or rationale. I'm the person that swats at objects in the air during a 3D movie. I know the items aren't actually there but I tend to just react. The same is true in conversation. I have no poker face. Something is said and I react and respond. Well for those that have children you know better than most that you just can't react to every little thing. I'm learning to absorb things, analyze, then react. I'm learning patience (a baby with colic will definitely do that for you). I promise patience is a big one for me.

I'm learning to let go and be OK with making mistakes. As the oldest child I have a control issue and believe me people with control issues do not handle making mistakes well. Mostly because we feel had we controlled the situation better the mistake would not have happened. Also, as a control freak we leave no room for error. Well, again as a parent you just can't live like that. I believe in precaution and operating in excellence but I've also found along this journey that some of the "mistakes" I made allowed me to see that my cub is resilient even for a 10 month old. I also saw that as I let go of the reins a little room was created for joys I would have never experienced had I stayed so controlled.

I think the biggest change for me has been learning to lean on and trust others. Again that oldest child thing as well as control freak always made me try to tackle things alone. Even with a great team backing me, I would take on more than I had to and often ignore my team all together. I've learned to say "I need". They say you should never say "can't" and I believe maybe they got it wrong. It's all in the spirit of the "can't". I think it's perfectly fine to realize your limitations and say "this may be beyond what I am capable of". Where I think it goes wrong is ending at that thought. The next thought should be "what are the resources in place to overcome this barrier/limitation/obstacle". For me I've been drawing more strength from God, my family, and friends. This is different for me because I am so accustomed to being the rock. I must say it's a relief.

If I've come this far in 11 months I'm excited to see what the next year holds as I prepare for life with a toddler. Yikes!