Finally got the nerves to say it....

OK my three followers and anyone else that happens to come across this post, it's time for me to finally let this one out. I've been struggling back and forth with this post because I don't want to seem petty, ungrateful, or present my husband or me in a negative light. But, one of the things I said about me is I am honest and I want readers to get a true and accurate picture of my journey. First I ask myself why every time I'm about to say something negative I preface it with "don't get me wrong I love...." or " I absolutely enjoy ___ but...". There will be none of that in this post. Here are some ticklers I didn't expect as a new mommy. I don't intend to sound like my life lessons are scientific fact; this is what I endured and what worked for me, so if you find yourself in my shoes consider my advice as an option.

So here it starts.....

After learning I was pregnant I was of course elated but also nervous. Quite frankly we were not where we wanted to be financially but we realized that we may just have been waiting for a perfect situation that would never come. That being said we trusted God and stopped trying to control and plan everything. I once heard if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans. I like that one. Well, I'm glad we did because we were overwhelmed with gifts and money for Baby Antonio to the point where I still have yet to purchase diapers for him. We have two car seats, stroller, crib and mattress, two swings, gyms, DVDs, three drawers and half a closet of clothes, boppy, bottles, diapers, wipes, organizing unit, caddies and the list goes on of stuff that were gifted to him. We were able to decorate his nursery with the gift cards and money. He still has funds left on gift cards. I say that to say....HAVE FAITH and TRUST GOD!!! Our cup ran beyond over and I am forever humbled. I'm almost in tears as I write this because literally I was unsure if we were going to need to downsize to be able to do everything. The second blessing came in the form of the Abuela. We do not pay daycare because I am blessed with a mother (Actually mother-in-law but remember I hate this term. She is my husband's mother and we are a unit so she is my mother; end of discussion. We should really watch the language we use because words like in-law, half brother, and step-mother create an atmosphere where this person is a partial family member to you)...that is willing and able to watch our cub for us during the day. Words cannot express my gratitude. I share this part of my journey because I have friends that continually say to me that they are waiting for the ability to do this or that. I believe in planning and having goals that you would like to achieve before you enter parenthood, but I caution you to not get so caught up in the details. Trust me doors open when you least expect them.

The next thing I want to share is don't be surprised by how parenthood changes you or bring out parts of you that you thought died or didn't exist. I have never been a person of patience. I have never been a touchy-feely person. I have never been sensitive. I think you are beginning to get the picture...I was a tyrant--not really I happen to be funny and comical which made me a fun tyrant. Mommyhood has made me more patient, gentle, nurturing, sensitive, and yes even touchy-feely. My husband was always the personification of patience. I always said to people that he had the patience of God. He has always been a very laid back and easy going person. Well Daddyhood has tested this patience. Needless to say I didn't expect this. Now don't go to jumping down my hubby's throat; other amazing characteristics did increase....drat I did it didn't I. I did the whole prefacing a negative thing so it doesn't sound negative. Well I won't remove it cause I don't want my hubby looking bad LOL. Let's just say that frustration was high in my home with the onset of the newborn, especially since my son would cry incessantly for three hours straight for no known reason. On top of this I was exhausted! I have never known this type of exhaustion. There were moments when I would watch my husband sleep and I wanted to kick him because I was jealous of his ability to sleep. Exhaustion is a powerful thing, so don't underestimate it. I found myself being snappy or having an attitude for no reason at all. I of course had to address this. My husband and I talked and both shared our needs from the other. Once we did this things were ten times better. I share this because not many people want to talk about these moments or admit they exist. I say don't fret so much over the bad that happened or the not so pretty moments. Focus instead on your lessons learned and strengths gained because of those moments. My husband and I always believed we had an amazing relationship because we communicated so well. To be honest I was arrogant and thought our communication was perfect and couldn't get better....WRONG. There is always room for improvement and I learned that during these exhausted trying times. I feel we communicate even better today. If I let my arrogance kick in I think the next communication phase is ESP. No seriously, if you find that you and your partner aren't gelling or clicking like usual step outside the situation and address it. Believe me new parenthood is exhausting and trying enough. You will need each other to lean on and stay above water.

Lastly, people always said to me that the pros outweigh the cons in parenthood. Honestly, I couldn't see that the first couple of weeks. I was so exhausted and even confused at times that I couldn't wholeheartedly enjoy the pros. Well, like others told me, things do get better and the joys do start to kick in and tip the scale a little. Just hang in there and allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling. Don't feel ashamed or wrong for feeling that way. If the feelings are negative, acknowledge those feelings, find the source, then address it. I promise you will get there one day and you will be overwhelmed by the love and joy.

This Working Thing....

So, I can officially say that I am back into the swing of things at work. My committees are resuming and my Dean is throwing reports and presentations at me left and right. They took it easy on me for a couple of weeks but I guess the honeymoon is over. Last night was my first night working late. I didn't get home until 7:15 p.m. Needless to say the cub was already bathed and sleep. Now the bath part is standard but SLEEP!!!!. He doesn't usually fall asleep until after 8:00 p.m. As soon as I saw him sleeping my heart ached. I just couldn't believe that I wasn't going to get any time with him last night. After praying over him and rubbing his fat cheek I went downstairs to have dinner with The Husband. Maybe 15 minutes passed when out of nowhere the baby monitor started flashing red and the sweet cooing sounds of my cub started floating through the room. I of course raced upstairs and got him. He was all gums smiling at me. I hugged and kissed on him until 09:00 p.m. when he officially fell asleep. But while he was awake he did his usual routine of sucking on his bib while blabbering on and on in his little baby talk. I promise you he is not your ordinary 11 week old baby. We were actually able to video him in his babble talk when he was a little over 9 weeks old. I will share it one day. Any who, I believe he needed that time with me just as much as I did with him. I was so grateful for our little hour. If I could I would rather be home with him. It's been a huge difference from those 8 weeks I was home with him and now. I miss our time together. Don't get me wrong I like working but if I were given the opportunity to stay home with him I would. I find myself wondering what he did throughout the day: how long did he play on the mat, what parts of the Baby Einstein DVD does he like now, how long did he sleep at each nap. Thank  God he stays home with The Abuela (my mother-in-law, remember I hate that term so she will always be referred to as The Abuela which means Grandmother in Spanish). I could not imagine how I would feel if he were in a daycare. Then I would worry over how much time they spent playing with him. Did they do any development exercises with him? How long did they let him stew in his diaper? Are they propping his bottle (a complete no no)? These are things I don't worry about with The Abuela. She changes his diaper so often I am sure he barely feels it get wet. She gives me a daily detailed report of all his activities which I love hearing. I guess I miss being there to witness it firsthand. To make matters worse I have to work late tonight as well for an event. Let's see how I handle two nights in a row. At least MLK Day is next week giving me a three day weekend. I'll take every little minute I can get.

11 weeks old doing his favorite thing...sucking on his blanket.

Blog Junkie

It's happening....I am becoming a blog junkie. I so enjoy reading various blogs. Since I have started blogging more frequently I have also started venturing to other blogs and I must say I love what is out there. I have tried a new recipe from one blog I follow, become inspired to run from another, and found a group of new moms with amazing stories and great advice. A lot of people are doing truly amazing things and others have such inspiring or triumphant journeys. Most of these people are just blogging about their every day lives and I am sure they don't know that there are strangers or old school buddies that read their words and are inspired or humbled. I complain A LOT! I wish I could say that I am one of those positive people that you meet and feel like "wow she is so sweet and smells of cookies". I am sweet but believe me I am definitely that person you meet that you think "wow she was nice but really to the point".

Well, I have read some amazing journeys through the blogs I follow and I am just humbled. From small things like DIY projects to major things like battling a rare disease with your newborn child....the stories and life lessons have been remarkable. In comparison...something I rarely do because each person's definition of struggle is personal and what may be easy to me is difficult for some and vice versa...but in comparison I have little to complain about and I am reminded that it could always be worse. Even better, these stories compel me to step out of my personal realm and reach out to others by praying or offering words of encouragement or congratulations. We easily get wrapped up in our own bubble that sometimes we forget to step out of that bubble and reach out to people. I am definitely one of those people that get tunnel vision the moment life throws me a few challenges. I become so focused that it is easy for me to isolate myself. I feel like this is changing since I began blogging. Seriously blogging has  been one of the best things for me and I am hooked.

New Commitments

So I have never been a New Year's Resolution person. Not because I don't believe in them or anything, but mainly because I used to be such a goal oriented person that I was constantly working on various goals throughout the year. It just never made sense for my life to pick goals at the beginning of the year. Honestly, since graduating from college I have been letting my life just happen without me actually trying to structure it or plan ahead. This is largely due to the fact that after years of being the kind of person that needed to plan ahead and prepare for my next step I just wanted to relax. I am the daughter of teen parents, so I grew up fast. I had a lot of responsibilities and my parents, in an effort to ensure I did not follow in their steps, placed a lot of expectations on me. Now this is not said to sound like a sad story where I was deprived of a childhood or something because that is far from the truth. It's just a little different when you are the product of teen parents. So after growing up as a child that was always setting goals for herself and planning everything in advance all I wanted to do was live life carefree. I think its time to end this trend; my life needs some structure and goals. Waiting until after my cub was born may not have been the best idea but for lack of a better phrase "it is what it is". The below are my Steps to a Better Cassandra:

1. Enroll into Grad School- For almost two years I have been going back and forth on obtaining a MPH (Public Health) or a MPA (Public Administration with a track in Health care Administration). Well the wonderful Georgia State University has a dual MPA/MPH program. So I need to resume my GRE studies and apply. Please pray for my successful acceptance into the program.

2. Have more girl time- I love The Husband and he is my best friend. I love that we can just sit on the couch and crack up all day just spending time together. Well outside my husband I have three close girlfriends one of which lives 4.5 hours away, the other is way too busy, and the last one we spend time together like three times a year. The last one is sad because we both stay in the Metro Area. I am determined to have more "me time and girl time". I plan to start a book club, add at least one more girl to my friend list, and have one girl/me outing a month.

3. Get fit-The post pregnancy body is truly a marvel. No one talks about the real gritty stuff that happens to your body after a baby. Oh I heard that it would change and I would have a new "mommy figure". Yeah but no one said that my stomach would resemble cottage cheese housed in saran wrap. No one told me that if my husband poked my stomach his finger would disappear into my folds that now have the consistency of that Gak stuff that children play with. Oh and don't get me started with the droopy, saggy, flat and downright  unattractive parts. Well, off to the gym it is for me. Thankfully I have free access to workout equipment and classes through my job. Additionally I have talked my lovely coworkers into a Get It Together Accountability Program. Everyone in my office is saying they need to work on something or lose weight so starting tomorrow we will weigh in bi-weekly and take our waist measurements. We are also planning to go to Piedmont as a group every Tuesday and Thursday to get in some cardio.

Well, let's see how this goes...

Ho Ho Ho, Shots, and a New Year

We just have so much to share since my last post. I've been crazy busy since I went back to work and as I am sure you can imagine crazy tired as well. Each night I want to blog I end up falling asleep instead. Well onto my adventures in mommy land.

Ho Ho Ho

We had an amazing Christmas to say the least. As I shared in a previous blog I went back to work on December 19 only to be off December 26-January 2. At the last minute my school decided to close for the Holidays so I got an unexpected vacation and more time with my cub. I was only at work for a week but it felt so good to be home again with my cub during the daytime. He is doing so much now that it saddens me to not be home during the day; I always feel as if I'm missing something amazing. Luckily, The Abuela is home with him and she thoroughly updates me on every thing he does and she does it with such excitement. I just know the people at a daycare wouldn't be as enthused, so I love that we have her instead.

My birthday is Christmas Eve and our cub officially turned 2 months old on the 24th. We kept it simple and stayed in the house most of the day. Later that night we went to my Great Grandmother's house for a family gathering. Most of the paternal side of the family had the opportunity to meet Antonio, including my Great Grandmother, Antonio's Great Great Grandmother. How many children are blessed to say that? Keeping with our family tradition, we hosted Christmas Breakfast at our house on Christmas Day. My mother, two maternal sisters (I have a total of 7 siblings-3 through my mother and 4 through my father and then I am blessed with 3 additional adopted sisters through my father making the grand total 10. I am the oldest of the ENTIRE bunch.) step-father, mother-in-law, and brother-in-law joined us for breakfast. We exchanged gifts then ate breakfast. My wonderful husband cooked the traditional waffles and I cooked the bacon and quiche. Oh I also sliced the fruit.

Some of the family on Christmas Day

After breakfast we watched the little ones play with their gifts. We didn't buy anything for our cub since he was only 2 months old but he was showered with gifts, mainly gift cards, from various family members. We are so blessed and grateful to everyone. Our little cub slept most that day but what do you expect from a 2 month old. Traditionally we go to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve but since our cub is so little we skipped that tradition this year. We also traditionally drive to Lake Lanier to see the holiday lights. Each year we purchase a different ornament from the Santa Shop they have. We skipped this tradition as well because the traffic is usually outrageous and our cub does not do well in long car rides. He hates the car seat and once he does fall asleep the car must stay in motion.  I can't wait until next Christmas because we should be able to resume our traditions.

Shots



Time for Shots

Unfortunately, the festivities came to end and the perfect illustration of that was Antonio's 2 month old shots. I myself HATE shots and like a big baby I need to hold some one's hand every time I get them. I don't understand for the life of me why they must administer everything through a shot. I mean elixirs work well too people! Well, how does this big baby make her little baby get shots? I'll tell you it didn't go so well and the husband is on schedule to take our cub for his boosters at 4 months. Mommies just should not witness that. It wasn't the actual administering the shots that bothered me; it was my cub turning purple and screaming  at the top of his lungs that did it. I almost lost it and I don't care if I am overreacting.

New Year

So to end this lengthy blog I want to share that with the New Year came new and exciting developments for our cub. He officially sleeps 7-7.5 hours at night. Yayyyy!!!! We are so excited. The exhaustion is gone and I finally feel like I get a good night's sleep. Our cub is all smiles. Every morning when I go to his crib he is peacefully sucking his hands, his new thing, and blabbering away. Oh yeah he is in full conversation mode. It sounds like a merger of various languages but he definitely is trying to tell us something. As soon as he see us he smiles real big, all gums, then immediately begin his baby talk. We of course carry on full conversations with him and I swear he responds in his little language. It is the most precious thing. He is also getting better at tummy time and even looks like he is trying to push up onto his knees...WHOA. He has the grabbing thing pretty down and needless to say my necklace is no longer worn around him. Lastly, my son does not like to be cradled in your arms unless he is feeding. Once you cradle him he pulls himself up into a sitting position. He of course cannot sustain that position but I'm sure he is well on his way. The doctor says he has the arm strength usually shown in most 3-4 months old and feels that he is progressing very well. He is also beginning to teethe and we should expect the teeth to crown within the next two months according to his doctor. We suspected this since our cub is in full drool mode and rubs feverishly at his gums. He is turning into the most laid back baby. When he isn't feeding the only thing he wants to do is lay on his back and talk, oh and suck on his hands. It's really exciting to watch him develop. Also, look at those cheeks...aren't they just yummy.